In the Pharmacy
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“Oh no. I am becoming one of those kind of people!”. I thought to myself while carrying on a discussion with the lady behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Wasn’t it just yesterday, that I myself used to work behind a pharmacy counter as a pharmacy tech? I remembered some days just like today. Thursday- a day close to the weekend- getting closer to closing time- and still close enough to the first of the month to be..well.. crazy. While the majority of customers were the best of the best, there were more than a handful of customers on these days that could be problematic. They would complain (sometimes, very loudly) about either not being able to get their prescription to the pharmacy in time, being out of refills, or either they could not get refills, whatever, whatever. And they were perturbed. And some really complained, not realizing we were just trying to do our job.
Oh,but wait. That was several years ago. Flash forward back to the present. Today. I was aggravated. Not at the lady behind the counter. Not at the pharmacy. Not even at my doctor. But I was aggravated. At my situation. So I just smiled, thanked her very much and told her that I would try what she recommended.
I got in the car, so absorbed in the feeling of being overwhelmed. I just did not want to be on ANY medicine, and was this even working anyway? I just wanted to feel better… dad blame it all, I just wanted it all to be like it was several years ago! Energy, stamina, and strength to make my plans, plan my days and work my plan!
I turned the radio up in the car, where it was dialed into Christian Talk Radio, becoming absorbed a bit by what the guy was saying. I was coming on in the middle of the conversation, but was hearing him talk about finding God’s will for your vocation.
finding God’s will while I felt as if I had been set on a shelf
My mind flashed back how I had kept my national license up at home over the years. Paying my yearly licensing fee, as well as all the hours of studying online to keep up my credit hours; just to keep my license up to date, so that one day, I would go be able to go back to work.
Even though there were times in those years that you wished you didn’t have to work- there was something great about feeling like you were a part of society. The feeling like you helped to make a difference greeting someone and helping them with a problem they were having with insurance. Maybe helping them to find something they needed, or maybe you just really encouraged them because they were having a difficult time.
I had even tried to go back to this kind of job a little over a year ago… and… it felt good. Still very hard to get going in the mornings with this chronic illness, but I was making it! Surely, it would get better once I got used to it again. That is, until I quit the computer module store training and went out on the floor, standing on my legs and feet all day. And after 2 days of that, wondering that evening if I was going to be able to actually make it to my car. The next day at my regular yearly appointment with my doctor, she confirmed that indeed I could not go on working like that unless I wanted to really digress in my health.
Wait! What was he saying on the radio??? He was talking about a guy who through some very bad decisions in his life ( drugs, alcohol, you name it ) had taken a toll on his body. Then he found Jesus and his heart and life was changed. After getting into the Word, he had started helping teens out by spending a lot of time with them and coaching them not to make the mistakes he had made. Just as he was beginning to feel this was his calling and to pursue how to go at this full-time, he learns he has serious congestive heart failure. The guy on the radio was saying that in times like these, we don’t understand. But we get arrogant, saying things like- ” when I get to Heaven, I’m just going to have the Lord explain to me what the sense of that situation was!”
Instantly, my eyes filled with hot, scalding tears and spilling down my cheeks, I turned the radio off.
I remembered telling the lady behind the counter that it was hard for me to believe that a disease as simple as fibromyalgia and chronic fatique syndrome could change your life this much. After all, others would tell me “well, I have fibromyalgia!” almost like they were wearing a badge all the while doing the most athletic of things. Almost like I had just said I had a headache, and a mild one at that! How I would just think to myself, there must be something else going on. Then I would feel so guilty thinking of so many with fighting cancer and illnesses much greater than mine.
I remembered defiantly speaking to her. “Well! I’m still not going to accept this; but just keep looking for the answer! And I don’t think it’s going to be in these prescriptions!”
Through my tears, I was realizing just how arrogant I was being!!! Down in my heart, arrogantly telling Jesus what I felt like His plans for my life should be. I had even been questioning what did He have for me that could be like “my job”. You know, something I could develop abilities in and feel good about something I was doing.
Mercy in the relationship
The guy in the radio was reminding me that we pray so much for God’s will to choose a vocation and have the right “job”. Yet, all along God’s will for our lives is to have an intimate relationship with Him. Finding His will is not just one (maybe 2 or 3 ) times in our life of making a big decision. Instead, it is a step-by-step walk, not a once-now-and-then walk. We find His will by choosing to DAILY be in His will. By trusting Him, talking with Him, and looking to see Him in all of the details of our days.
In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5: 18
As I drove back home, I forgot all about going by the grocery store to pick up something for supper. That didn’t really matter. I just kept driving, and while I drove – I prayed.
Lord, please forgive me for grumbling and complaining. Every day someone, somewhere, would always be willing to trade places with me in a heartbeat.
Forgive me, Father, for being arrogant! Forgive me to even remotely think that I know what’s better for my life than YOU, my Creator – and Creator of the universe even!! Help me that when I don’t understand (for Your ways ARE higher than mine for sure) I will instead turn first and always to You for help and strength to stand.
Help me to not be in the way of what You are doing in my heart and in my life. Lord, I know that You alone can speak the Word and I would be completely healed. While I still pray for that, help me to always remember Your Sovereignty. Help me to accept Your will for my life. Use whatever I am for Your glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen.